I couldn't face my pard brother. Couldn't look into his eyes and tell him that I did not know where his twin was. I should of stood up and looked at him, should of took him into my arms and loved him. I know that I am falling a part. I know that I am breaking some how. But I can be stronger then his. The talk with Micah helped lots. Being something important to Damian helps as well. I've been trying to think of why I ended up like this. Why I am feeling like I have no path. I think it's because I knew what I needed to do with Gabe around. I was his toy. His cat. I didn't belong to myself. Now that I kinda of do? It scares the shit out of me.
I was green with want when Anita made Nath her's. But I told myself that he needed it more then anyone. That the kitten needed someone who would always be there for him. I couldn't be anymore? I had to work make enough money to buy a house. Right? Right? No, I had to be wild and free. I was no longer collared and contorted. (I do miss the collar sometimes, I miss how tight it was, how I could almost couldn't breath. How can so many of my "Happy" memories have so much pain in them?) Why am I confessing all of this to you? Maybe because I saw you and her together and I worried maybe that I was going to hurt you both. I love Cherry. I love you. I don't understand how I could love either of you differently.
I know that she wont be able to handle it right now. I think she is close to being broken too. We'll close right Jason? I know we have fucked, we have laughed, we have made loved. We have done million and one things together. But how close have I let you be? Do I hold you away from me? I seem to do that to everyone. I seem to hold everyone at arms length. I don't want to do that any more. But I am scared of how close I can pull you with out hurting you.
I know, I know you are going to tell me that I can't hurt you. That I can't hurt you with out you fighting back. Maybe thats why I love you Jason. You fight so strong. You also have Jean Claude, which means you aren't fully mine. Have you noticed? I always love people who can't be full mine. It was like that with Nath? Do you remember when I told you I was in love with him? How many years, months, weeks, days ago was that? Now with Cherry? Is it me always pushing her away or does she push me away?
There is a list of things I should tell you. I should allow myself to say. I've been using again. I've been lieing to everyone saying I am fine. I know how very well to hide the drugs. To hide how sick they make me. I bought a party pack. I can't remember if I used it or not. God, I can't remember so much about last night. I can barely remember their faces Jase, I am losing it. I want to be whole again.
Maybe that is why I want to belong to Damian. His little blood apple. Yeah, but I fucked up he can feed from me if I am using. Thats why I think I went to him. Because I am so good at doing things for other people. If I am his, I wont use because it will hurt him. I am not strong, am I Jase? You knew me when Gabe was still alive? Was I this bad? What happened to me? I remember being stronger. But I feel stronger in some ways now.
I should tell you this, I love Anita. I love Micah. They are so perfect for the pard. They care of each of the cats, they protect them. Some how I am not numbering myself among the cats they keep safe. Maybe some part of me is still trying to be all dommy and kingly. But I can't be I think we've already proved that didn't we? God, this turned into a rant, this turned into something I didn't think it would. I am not even sure all that I've said. There must be a hole in my lip because everything is coming out. Everything is wanting out.
I cut my hair because I felt the need for a change. The need to look a little 'normal'. I still however keep running my hand over my head, trying to run my fingers through my hair as I think. It doesn't work. I have no hair. I am going to call Doc Lil, I am going to tell her about the drugs. Maybe she can help me. I know it's easier for our kind to drop the shit. That it goes through our system faster. I just need the will power to make myself stop.
Thanks Puppy, if you read this, and thank you for all of my secrets you have kept. Thank you for being there. And being one of my closest friends.
I love you, Always!