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(Blocked to Everyone) [Jun. 17th, 2007|11:05 am]
I feel like hell. I feel like I've had someone run me over and beat me over the head. Yeah, I don't like this feeling, not when its not from fun and games. Lil says I'm doing better. Rap still wants me to move in with him, but I'm very sure it's not going to happen now that Anita and Micah have gone off. Before I even got to speak to them. Why does this always happen? Why do I feel like I have no home again.

Home is where the heart is..

Maybe I'm heartless. I need to head over the rainbow and go see the wizard, but I'm not allowed to talk to wizards right now and get their treats. No, I have to be a good kitty, so good that it hurts. Right?
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Never fear Zaney is here! [Jun. 17th, 2007|11:04 am]
Hey, all you hell cats and wild mutts ... and other sexy beings.

Zannnnnneeeeeeeyyyyy is back!

I know, I know you missed right? Ha! Well, I'm back and Doc Lil helping me a lot. I just wanted to let you all know the hot cat is back.

-Your Zaney.
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(no subject) [Oct. 6th, 2006|03:15 pm]

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Rock-a-by. [Sep. 25th, 2006|06:18 am]
I am going to go see Nath then go to talk to Anita. I need to make sure he's alright frist. I need to make sure that I didn't mess him up, that he didn't hear the fight. God, I am such a fucking little idot sometimes.

I love Nath alot. A whole lot. Everyone knows I'd do anything for him. (Jason more then the others.)

I think Anita might know now, which is a little scary for me because I really don't know what to say to Nath if he asks. I need to go see the rat king, I need tomake sure he's okay as well.

Then there is Lil, I should check on her too.

So much to do. How could I ever think that I could leave.

Cherry we need to talk.

You, Lil, and Me. I think it's time I try to go do that detoxic thing. I can't keep living like this.
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Leaveing. [Aug. 26th, 2006|02:08 pm]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]

I am not longer a member of the pard.  I am leaving the city by frist light. I am sorry Damian I wont be setting foot in that house again, so if you wish to feed from me you have my number. I will go to you. I have drop Jason off, I am cleaning out my little hell hole.  It's not that hard, most of everything I leaving. So if there is anything of mine you want, please go ahead tomorrow and take it.  I'll leave the door open.  Ms. Blake's key is in her mail box. I wont have use for it any more. 

I am not sure where I am going at the moment, for now I have enough money to get a room in the city to the west of here. It's about an hour away. I am merely taking my clothing. I can not take anything gifted to be by the pard anyways. My cell phone will be on for a month or so, thats how much I have it paid up for. I love you all still. Just because I am leaving it doesn't change how I feel. 

But for now I am pardless. I do not believe I will ever be joining one agian. I mean this pard no harm, nor shall I come back to cause it harmd. 

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Pitty on a poor soul... [Aug. 23rd, 2006|07:54 am]
Nath is safe.

If  that is what I can call it. I  could tell by the mere smell of him what that bastard did to him. I could tell by the color of his skin. The way his body shock just a little. I couldn't get close to him. I couldn't even touch him. Why? Because I knew part of this was my fult. Even now I  keep getting up to go see him and sitting back down. Because I know he will be upset with me. I also know he needs to see me. How many things have we been through, I never walked away before and I am not now.

I just  not sure when to go. I want to go crawl over him and place him in my arms and love him.  Not that I ever stopped. I love the kitten more then anyone could understand. I never told him, because I know that it would change things. Change everything.  I sat gaurd while they went out hunting. I stat with my back to the girl's door, because I didn't want them to have to see me break down. I did speak to the rat king however. I might end up having a job with him. That at least means I can start getting myself together.

I've already tired, so many times. However this time has to be diffent. Maybe today I'll go see Nath, he's just in the other room. Why can't I do this? Why can't I stand up and walk to him. I never had this hard time before. 

Even after all that has happened between us and everything he's been through, the kitten still pure in my eyes. He's still a kid that I love and want to keep safe. Perhaps thats why I feel better standing out side the door and nearly hissing at anyone who steps close to the door.  However when Jason came into the house with the baby, I was back down stairs watching Damian's coffin.

Right now. I am going. I am going to cheek on my Kitten. I just hope I can be near him with out breaking down crying.  God, Nath forgive me.
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Going house crazy. (9pm) [Jul. 31st, 2006|05:51 am]
[Current Mood |bitchybitchy]

Everyone else is off playing hero.

Where am I? Here. Which I undersatnd can be good. I am keeping the girls safe. The need to be kept safe. But some part of me wants to call Anita's cell phone and check on things.  I think I am just feel tired and worried about those who went.  The girls and I are safe. I made sure everyone has eatten and I've locked all the doors and I check them.

I think Jason should be here with us.
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Blocked to everyone but Micah (Nov 3, 9:57pm) [Jul. 6th, 2006|07:07 am]
[Current Location |Anita Blake's house]
[Current Music |Brain Stew GreenDay]

Dear Micah,

I couldn't say this to your face, maybe some part of me is still scared of being to weak for the pard.

But I haven't told you. I haven't told you how good for the pard you have been. How good for all of us. Yes, I know it doesn't seem like it. I know that things have been so odd. I mean we all have our problems. You have some too I am sure. I know that you came from a pard that wasn't safe as well. Maybe that is why you take such good  care of us.  I wish I could go to you and tell you. It just sounds so stupid coming from me. Maybe if Anita told you what a good job you were doing. Then yeah it would sound right. But I am just your cat. Yes, your's. Yes your's and Anita. You proved that to me this morning when you spoke to me.

I have felt that I've belong to Anita, hell, who doesn't know when they belong to Anita Blake?  No, it wasn't your fult that I didn't feel like  I belonged to you. It was my own doing. You see, this is the one that I've learned,  others can put you down, can hurt you. Yet, they can't really cut you to the quick. You do that all yourself. Thats what I've been doing to myself. Cutting myself in half. Telling myself that I don't quiet belong here. Stupid, huh.

This morning you made me feel like I belong, yes.. yes.. you've done it before but this time, this one little time I fully understood. You took me out of my beast form. It was.. gentle.  I've never felt that before.  ( I mean I've slipped back before..) Gabe would let me stay as long as I could in my form. No one knows this but I am  mostly the reason why I have kitty eyes and fangs. It was just safer to stay in were form. However this morning I felt safer passing out to you in my human form then I have in a while.

I lived on the streets for most of my life, so I learned that one has to be on their toes all the time. That they allow anyone to close. I relearned that with Gabe. I was fucking in love with him. Not the romance kind of way. It just that he was what I thought I wanted. He controled every thing about me. He hurt me. I was greatful. He loved on me. I was greatful.

You aren't Gabe. I am greatful. Very Greatful.

I am not sure what I am trying to stay. Um, thank you?

It doesn't seem like a enough.

-Your cat,
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9:45pm Nov 3rd. (Blocked to every but Jason.) [Jul. 2nd, 2006|08:16 am]

I couldn't face my pard brother. Couldn't look into his eyes and tell him that I did not know where his twin was. I should of stood up and looked at him, should of took him into my arms and loved him.  I know that I am falling a part. I know that I am breaking some how. But I can be stronger then his. The talk with Micah helped lots. Being something important to Damian helps as well. I've been trying to think of why I ended up like this. Why I am feeling like I have no path. I think it's because I knew what I needed to do with Gabe around. I was his toy. His cat. I didn't belong to myself.  Now that I kinda of do? It scares the shit out of me. 

I was green with want when Anita made Nath her's. But I told myself that he needed it more then anyone. That the kitten needed someone who would always be there for him. I couldn't be anymore? I had to work make enough money to buy a house.  Right? Right? No, I had to be wild and free. I was no longer collared and contorted. (I do miss the collar sometimes, I miss how tight it was, how I could almost couldn't breath.  How can so many of my "Happy" memories have so much pain in them?) Why am I confessing all of this to you? Maybe because I saw you and her together and I worried maybe that I was going to hurt you both. I love Cherry. I love you. I don't understand how I could love either of you differently.

I know that she wont be able to handle it right now. I think she is close to being broken too. We'll close right Jason?  I know we have fucked, we have laughed, we have made loved. We have done million and one things together. But how close have I let you be? Do I hold you away from me? I seem to do that to everyone. I seem to hold everyone at arms length.  I don't want to do that any more. But I am scared of how close I can pull you with out hurting you.

I know, I know you are going to tell me that I can't hurt you. That I can't hurt you with out you fighting back. Maybe thats why I love you Jason. You fight so strong. You also have Jean Claude, which means you aren't fully mine. Have you noticed? I always love people who can't be full mine. It was like that with Nath? Do you remember when I told you I was in love with him? How many years, months, weeks, days ago was that?  Now with Cherry? Is it me always pushing her away or does she push me away?

There is a list of things I should tell you. I should allow myself to say. I've been using again. I've been lieing to everyone saying I am fine. I know how very well to hide the drugs. To hide how sick they make me. I bought a party pack.  I can't remember if I used it or not. God, I can't remember so much about last night. I can barely remember their faces Jase, I am losing it. I want to be whole again.

Maybe that is why I want to belong to Damian. His little blood apple. Yeah, but I fucked up he can feed from me if I am using. Thats why I  think I went to him. Because I am so good at doing things for other people. If I am his, I wont use because it will hurt him. I am not strong, am I Jase?  You knew me when Gabe was still alive? Was I this bad? What happened to me? I remember being stronger. But I feel stronger in some ways now.

I should tell you this, I love Anita. I love Micah. They are so perfect for the pard. They care of each of the cats, they protect them. Some how I am not numbering myself among the cats they keep safe. Maybe some part of me is still trying to be all dommy and kingly. But I can't be I think we've already proved that didn't we? God, this turned into a rant, this turned into something I didn't think it would. I am not even sure all that I've said. There must be a hole in my lip because everything is coming out. Everything is wanting out.

I cut my hair because I felt the need for a change. The need to look a little 'normal'. I still however keep running my hand over my head, trying to run my fingers through my hair as I think. It doesn't work. I have no hair.  I am going to call Doc Lil, I am going to tell her about the drugs. Maybe she can help me. I know it's easier for our kind to drop the shit. That it goes through our system faster. I just need the will power to make myself stop.

Thanks Puppy, if you read this, and thank you for all of my secrets you have kept. Thank you for being there. And being one of my closest friends.

I love you, Always!


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The big change. (after sundown) [Jun. 24th, 2006|03:20 pm]

Thanks to Damian I've made a few changes. Changes I needed after last night. I.. I still feel like I need to make others but this is the frist. So I've gone from this:

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